When I think of the coldness with which I am treated by some in the family, I understand it's only ignorance that makes them act this way.. They know only the story they were told, they don't know the story I knew and lived.. It's sad.. to think that a decade of time could be the blinding spot for so many...
Many would want me to say I had a wonderful childhood but I cannot..I was never allowed it .. I was too busy being the caretaker, the cleaner, the student, the employee and the wounded one.. I didn't have the time or opportunity to tell much to anyone of what was going on . When I was finally old enough to leave. I did: but only to enter into another phase of foolishness..
While I thought moving out was moving into another phase of foolishness, it opened my eyes to see how much brainwashing was done in the faith we were raised in.... So much repetition of concepts over and over and so much emphasis on reciting it all back... .. Everything led to grooming little ones into perfect obedient adults who were never suppose to question and who saw suffering as sainthood's ticket..
Is it a wonder, then, that I kept silent throughout all of my earliest trauma and my latest.. I thought it was what God wanted that I be silent and suffer and become a saint in the eyes of the church.. I really believed it that keeping silent about what was happening was getting closer to God..
But now, I know different..it wasn't and didn't bring me closer to God .. it only silenced me and made me a perfect victim for an abuser.. If only I knew that.. I believed everything I was told.. up to the year 2009 . .where another abuser hurt me emotionally, psychologically and mentally
I really lived my faith to the highest degree.. but then things happened and I realized I couldn't escape from where I was because my own beliefs told me that this injustice was something God allowed and wanted.. Somehow I felt the sufferings and unfairness was all a part of becoming a saint ..so I kept silent..
See how it gets ingrained? Growing up believing sainthood was given to those who suffered in silence and offering all to Jesus only made me so so easy to prey on.. .I didn't understand or realize that. .No one told me my upbringing was making me easy to hurt.. because I wouldn't ever complain or say anything..
Somehow people have taken the Word of God and mixed up with the word of man and become manipulators of a mass of people.. We now see in media many coming forward about the silences they kept.. How many more are there who still believe that self harming and silent suffering is the way to heaven?
How could a God who is all loving rejoice in any human being being hurt or beaten or ill? Somehow I think people put a slant on things to get control over the minds of many.. If you are influencing others for the good it will show but when it's not we see a wounded broken world.. people afraid to speak up ..little ones without a voice.. .
I wish I knew that I could speak up .. I was too afraid of offending God.. I hope it's okay now because I feel I held it in too long..
Feel free to comment if you are reading and feel need to comment but .. don't be hateful..