For me, the hardest step to take in my healing was the first step.. It was very hard for me to tell someone else that all my smiling and cheerfulness and giving hid a lot of things that were eating me away inside like.. childhood memories ..flashbacks of hurts.. feelings of behind misunderstood and abandoned by people who should have been supportive.. I was the only one who knew about these things because I wanted to appear like everyone else.. ..
It would have gone all and well that way had 2009 not happened.. Had my boss not invited me to NJ and misused his executive powers to hurt and mentally imprison me.. He started out with the appearance of a friend and expressed the same faith ideas and same things I had experienced. .
It was all a line to hook me into a trap that made me afraid of him.. psychologically he had gotten to a place no one had and used it to threaten and control.me.. I won't go into all that story in this particular post ..but, that was where I realized that my past made me afraid of people who were in power.. my past and my inability to understand that people don't always show you who they are but rather some actually hide it to bait you into a controlling trap and once they get you there then they abuse you and terrorize you..
I started out an adult survivor of child abuse with ptsd I never knew I had .. i became a victim of a psychopath or of a sociopathic boss.. and am still trying to get out of this scared-ness
I wish someone would have told me it's okay to talk about being beat or molested or hurt when i was little and still be a saint.. I would be so much better today ..but somehow the books that were put into my path and the teachers and priests taught me that suffering in silence was noble. .
Who was it noble for ? The abuser or for me. .Does God really like seeing people suffer in silence.. really? Come on. .? I believed it for so long.. it's the God people instilled in me. .and of course things in the home. .when I was little .. was about suffering and keeping quiet. .lest you get it again..
Feels good to be getting this out. .have you something to get out.. are you a believer that you should keep quiet about the craziness done to you as a child? Why? Freedom is found in the saying and relaying....