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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Christmas card

It was the worst Christmas card I ever got from my ex-mom. I hate to call her ex-mom but she herself said I was not her daughter in her card to me.. She didn't say dear or sign it ..merely stated that I am not me.. that her daughter had different handwriting and that her daughter disappeared 8 years ago..

I cried awhile about this but afterward picked myself up.. What can I do about it: nothing..  She has always liked to knock me down and make me feel bad..  it's  a carry over from my childhood. I was never good enough for her.

Maybe because how she conceived me? Maybe because really no one really knows who my father is. .She would like to say I disappeared??

Maybe because now I am trying to get courage and speak up for myself. .Maybe because I don't embrace that religion that brainwashes and makes people think being hurt and keeping quiet is saintly? I don't know..

My broken childhood made me easy prey for bullies and abusers.. For too long I believed being quiet when others walked all over me was a "holy thing" . .it's all leftovers from my childhood..

I am learning that it's not okay to let people push me down and lord over me.. I am important and valuable and I do believe in God but I believe in a God who is loving and kind and who wants everyone happy..

I am sorry that I cannot be what she wants me to be. .but I know God loves me. .

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