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Sunday, September 25, 2011

Not like the rest

Trembing before the brokenness that I am seeing inside of me
I'm wondering if I'll ever reach a normal level of maturity
I dont see things like others do;and  so often I am blind
To the bad intentions others have in the back of their mind

Why can't i think like others do and see harm when its near?
Why am i slow to understand what others see as so clear?
I know something's not right with me; that I'm not like the rest.
I'm like a child in an adult body; but I'm  trying to do my best.


  1. Hello Joy,

    I couldn't remember your blog address yesterday and I had a very frantic moment. One of my biggest fears is waking up and not knowing... I frantically reached out to someone I trusted and I was told I was in the wrong place and it was taken as a joke...I appreciate your poem I'm not like the rest...I did the show n tells and it allowed me to release much of what was inside...I have much grief inside Joy and sometimes it's most frightening. I read many of your poems on yesterday after God helped me to find your blog address. I do appreciate them...I feel like shutting myself in because I don't want to hurt anyone with the changes I experience...I love you Joy and I pray for you all the time, never forget that. Please don't ever think that I don't love you and care about your well being..I'm so grateful to God that you have your T. Please know that even though I'm not commenting my heart is with you and I receive so much encouragement from your gift of writing..You are a beautiful soul, so dear, so dear.May heaven's love continue to flow in you and around you and grant you all the peace and laughter you can hold...I love you, my sweet friend, Joy.


  2. Hello Riri (( big hugs )) to you . I am so very happy you stopped by .. You have been so much on my mind. I couldn't send an email as I don't know that but I have been so thinking of you .. I do have dot come.. you can type
    or use the old url .. both work..

    I am so happy to hear of your show and tell. How does that work? Can you tell me more about that?

    Oh I love my T.. I don't know how I would begin to get better without her. SHe understands me and she knows I feel so small. I don't feel she is upset that I am not mature as others.

    I did miss your little visits since you always has so much good stuff to say. It is always like a ray of sunshine when you drop by.. Am so glad you are not lll.. I worried lots..

    I sometimes feel that way too: like shutting down.. already i keep to myself as much as I can here, where I live.

    Thank you Riri. .love you dearly. ..when ever you can stop by with a word or two..please do .as they are so so beautiful: like you:


  3. In my show n tell I had about ten items I talked about. I recorded myself on cam as I talked about what these individual items meant to me. I did one at a time and it would be an avenue that led me to talk about the abuse I suffered, my feelings. I cried in some of them. I laughed too. One of the things I talked about was my music box, a birthday gift from my youngest daughter friend. The music box is a depiction of me Joy. The little girl who gave it to me took it from her collection and it was broken inside, the ballerina was missing, just as my childhood memory. But the music inside was so melodious and sweet it makes me cry. God told me that I am like that inside, melodious and sweet, but also broken and need to be put back together again. He told this to me Joy as I was talking about the box. That gift came from a lil girl with a big heart and there's no price you can put on it to compare to what it gives to me. From day to day I would feel more at ease doing the videos and I would talk more. When I look at them they help me to connect to my body. I disconnected from my body because of all the childhood trauma. My memory of the sexual abuse is awful and sometimes I try to escape it in my mind. I want to face it all and experience complete healing. I believe God is healing me... I don't do the videos anymore. Something happened and now I feel I need to hide... I tried to open up to one and allow myself to be seen but it always end up in a misunderstanding. I know my illness with dissociative amnesia is difficult for anyone to deal with, I have a very difficult time living with it. Depersonalization isn't fun at all. But with the videos I am connecting more with my smile, my tears, my laughter, the sound of my voice. It's tough therapy for me but I can see the hand of God at work, and I'm thankful.... I have shut myself in though and I think it's best for now. I just don't want to offend or hurt anyone like I did on yesterday. I really was frantic I couldn't find your address. I was so afraid that the flashes and the grief had caused me to escape somewhere inside myself and in that I had lost you...God was so merciful to me on yesterday. He showed me that Michelle, my youngest daughter had put it under favorites in my computer. God is so kind to me...I do want to hide away, mainly because I don't want to hurt anyone and I'm so emotionally tired...I cried this morning because I did hurt the one person that I had begun to trust and when I was told I was in the wrong place, I could hear my mother's scolding when I came to her asking for help after being raped by dad. It's such a bad feeling of disapproval. Even now I hurt and want to cry but I have my girls here with me and I don't want to ruin their morning..The show n tells are a blessing. I do have them all on disc and I can go to them whenever I feel the need to see me, to hear me....God bless you Joy and thank you for thinking of me.


  4. Wow: Riri..did you think the show n tell idea up by yourself? You are so smart. You have all your family around you .. that is a blessing to have some support.. I have no family support but i have virtual friends, my T, and my kitties. .to help me and encourage me.. I understand how you feel.. I feel safe just staying right here in my little place where I don't have to worry about being hurt or meeting the wrong people.

  5. I do have my two daughters. They don't see my pain but I do tell them I cry....The Holy Spirit gave me the idea of the show n tell. God knows that I'm a very private person and I do have a hard time trusting because of so much betrayal by people I thought were my friends and family members who deny what they've done to me. So, I pray much Joy and ask God to help me understand myself. It's just me in this and God gives me laughter through my girls many times. They have four cats and these cats think they are humans.:) I do want companionship, a friend that doesn't scold me when I'm not understood...I think I have given up on letting myself be seen..You Joy are such a smart person yourself. God has given us His confidence and smarts, isn't that wonderful...RiRi

  6. Riri .. I find it so very hard to trust too..I think you did well with your show and tell. I guess I have an informal show and tell every therapy session. .I show T as much of my hurts as I can .. but it's a hard process.. am ashamed sometimes..hurt .. I do just a little at a time..I think I fear I will scare here away, my T , If I told her all at once..but I thinks it more my being afraid to tell all at once then T going to run from anything I can say..MOre than likely there is nothing I can say that she has not heard in her many years. I so admire her.. how she can hear so much and not be broken or crying. I know if I become a T I would probably cry just as much a my clients.. I would have a box of tissues for them and three boxes for me. I get so moved and into the moments..but my T she is strong.. I sense she has much strenght of mind and will..and am so glad as me, am a softy ..the opposite...I need a guide who is the opposite of me I need a push or two in the right direction at time ;) blink blink.. can drag my feet.. wait till last minute kind of person..bad me..:) Glad you are here. my dear Riri

    Love you



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