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Sunday, August 21, 2011

Little one why do you cry

LIttle one why do you cry so  much today
I am trying so hard to wipe your tears away
But you keep on crying from deep within
Please little one please let me in.

It's so much to carry I know it dear one
but soon that burden will be undone
We just have to learn to trust our T
Only then will she be able to help us see

The scars that scare are old indeed
But you can cry as much as you need
There is no one to scold you any more
Even if the tears would fall on the floor.


  1. I do like this one. It reminds me of some of the dreams I have of the little girl guiding me. She's so brave and I'm so afraid. She never speaks to me,only with her eyes she guides me. I can hear her soul speaking to me, telling me I can make it past the big darkness that's I have to get past. She goes ahead of me as I coward behind her. I'm so afraid I'm on my knees crawling so full of the fear of this big black blog. I'm the adult always in these dreams and she's only three or four years old but so brave. She guides me to a safe place and then she disappears. I panic because I don't have her anymore...I do grieve her death but I know she wants me to get past the hurt and all the fears. I know she wants me to be not afraid of the memories. I was sad today because I didn't have someone who just accept me for me, flaws and all. I felt lonely and lonesome but you're so right better days are coming, for you and for me. Thank you for your sympathy for me. I think your tears are healing you. There's so much we have held inside for so long. I say let the tears flow.

  2. Your dreams are very much like mine. Many times though am the little me in the dream.Today has been one of deep deep memories.. When i have flashback its like its all happening for the first time am little gain. I can see feel and hear. like it was happening again. With all the tears i have shed its a wonder am not healed yet..There is so much yet . my T doesn't know but its because my little me is still afraid.. but not because I dont trust my T she is super.. she is patient and kind.

  3. I wanted to ask you did you hear and feel in your flashes but I didn't know how.I do feel the rapes in the flashes as if it's happening for the first time. I can hear my daddy laughing at me. I can feel the hairs on his face. I'm so ashame, even as I tell you and I feel like I want to go and hide. I keep much of it to myself because it's so awful and it makes me feel so ugly inside. When you share with me that you feel the abuse in the flashes and it's like it's happening for the first time I felt relieved. I thought for some crazy reason that I must want to feel this and that's why I feel it in my body so real. Thank you for sharing that private knowledge of your healing and sharing your struggle inside as a little girl...I know you trust your T and I'm so grateful you have her. Stay with her for as long as you need. It's a good thing you have with her.

  4. Can I say that it's not strange that big words frightens you. Anything big frightens me. Big houses, big animals, big life, big men, big frightens me. My daddy was a big man over me and when I couldn't keep him for penetrating my small body, big became a nightmare to me. Everything about my daddy was big,all body parts....And the words. I understand somewhat about words. Sometimes mine are so hidden inside me I find it hard to express myself at times. It's because when I told my mother daddy raped me she called me a liar and a whore. Nobody would help me, nobody came. My mother had sex with me repeatedly and I feel her too in the flashes. Manipulating my body to do things I didn't understand. In the flashes I'm only three years old. I can feel her using me to her own sick advantages. So I understand the complication of words. I keep mine hidden so much I can't even find them. You don't know how much you have helped me today by being transparent so I can see myself clearer. I want to just yell and scream and cry because God has put it on your heart tonight to let me see you just a little. I thank Him. I thank you. I know it's going to get better. You are so far ahead of me and it feels like a big sister coming to my rescue. Thank you so much. I just can't express enough how much God Almighty has used you today. I love you and I pray that God will continue to bless T to help you be all that Heaven purposed for you to be.

  5. Aww am sorry you feel I am far ahead.. really this cannot be; since I am just starting. I really care about you since you have no T and I know how worried I get when I get to imagining how it would be to try to do this without her.

    Mom and bro did the very bad stuff to me. so bad . so so hurtful and mom put things in me to hurt me badly and i felt hated and unloved.

    Talking was not permitted . I was even afraid to open my mouth in school.

    i believe you are where you are suppose to be right now in your journey and so too am i..

  6. It's okay that you're ahead of me. It let's me know what's possible. It gives me hope. I'm not at the point where I can sit and talk to a therapist. The T had is gone and it's going to take a while for me to open up and be willing to give a face to my experience again. When I know that you are private also, you have it hard trusting also and yet you trust T, that gives me hope. So I don't feel bad that you're far ahead of me. Yes, we're at different places in our healing and for me I see you in front. That's a good thing. That's a blessing for me. I'm position to see someone going in the direction I'm going and being victorious in it. Thankful I am not sad about it at all. I hope you have a pleasant rest tonight. God bless you my friend.

  7. I dont feel I am ahead but where I am in the journey..each of our journeys are different. I trust my T as she has proven to be so wise in what she is telling me to do..but if I didnt take a risk and open up I would never know if I can trust her.. She is so special and I admire her greatly.. I still feel nervous though when I speak to her because by nature am shy and so afraid that something I say will be wrong.. In my past saying the wrong thing always ended up with more hurt.. I don't want to lose her. .because I am stupid about something.. Hope you slept well and that the sun is warming your heart and smiling in your sky

  8. Good morning to you. I am up and about this morning. After my morning worship I did some laundry. I was thinking about where I'm at in my life and how I don't want to talk about how I'm hurting. I was telling Christ how I just want to hide and not come out. And a song came to me and I began to sing it. "His Strength is Perfect". God gave me this song to let me know He understands my weakness and He understands why I have reverted by to my hiding place..I too know the experience all too well of not saying the right thing and you lose the very ones you love and want to hold on to. For me good things seem to only come for a short period then there's the end...You're not going to lose T. From what you've shared about her I can tell she loves you and really cares about your well being. Being left by those we love gives us a feeling of "what did I say, what did I do wrong". Not knowing or understanding something doesn't make us stupid. That's what Jesus taught me. When I was outside this morning I look up into the heavens as I hear this song playing in my mind. The sky is so beautiful to me. I look and think what a great big canopy of love, and beyond it, on the other side are the eyes of my Lord watching over me. It gave me so much comfort. "His strength is perfect when my strength is gone. He'll carry me when I can't carry on. Braced in His power I become strong. His strength is perfect. His strength is perfect." I hope your day is good and the time you have with your T becomes more and more of a space for you to grow and be healed.

  9. This is same for me: good things lasting only a short time. I am so afraid for my relationship with T to be really good as am afraid then I will lose her. Every time I get close and confide all my soul. .the person I confided in leaves..something happens to my happy time. I am always afraid.. T helps me but she doesn't need me .. I need her.. so there is always the worry .. something will happen. .and I will be abandoned again.. It has happened so often, its hard to believe something good can last more than a certain amount of time. I love my T very much .. but I cannot say this as I think that is not good for clients to care for their ..its pure innocent love but still .. you know professionalism makes things have to be cold and feelings are not suppose to be there. .even good wholesome ones.. so i simply say I care very very much.. which is same as love for me. i love everyone really. .but are more special than others.. I love you too as GOd put you in my life. .and I thank you for sharing even though you are frightened like me. I thank God too for T and you as blessings all come from out good God.. Hope you day continues to be happy and sweet like you.

  10. Issues of abandonment are very tough.What I'm learning is some people come in my life just for a season. I met a young lady years ago. She was the one who gave me my first journal. I felt so at peace with her, then one day she told me she was going away, moving. I cried so hard and she reassured me that God will always have something or someone to fill the empty space.I only had a six month relationship with her but it felt like I had known her forever. She was so gentle with me. I didn't stop hurting but her words stuck with me. She gave me her address and phone number but when I moved it all got misplaced, so I lost her anyway. I will always carry Denise in my heart. She was one of my first lesson of letting go. I didn't understand it then but I see it clearer now. Circumstances took her away from me and it began a healing process from all the abandonment I endured as a child. When I began having the flashes I told my best friends, who are my three sisters. They all abandoned me. Two of them don't even speak to me. One needs me as a prayer partner and I can't help but wonder if I didn't take the time to listen to her would she still be calling. It hurts deeply when you love someone and you want to be all of yourself but being all of yourself is not what they want. I let them go healing_within. I let all of them go and that was very hard for me because it left me alone once again. Sometimes I do hold on too tight, my daughters taught me this. They are 13 and 22. I have this strong protective mode I get in for those I love and I cling. I hope I don't do it with you...I believe you're going to be fine. It's just we want stability in our relationships and we have had so much short term good it makes us afraid to believe "maybe this one will last."So much of you is a reflection of me. I'm just so amazed how our God works. You're a beautiful butterfly in the making. God allows me to see His work in you. I'm happy for you healing_within, so very happy for you. Don't worry about your relationship with T, God has it under control. He's got you so covered even when the tears are falling. Beautiful butterfly, that's what you are. Just beautiful.


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