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Thursday, June 30, 2011


We are getting ready to celebrate the great USA
Yes we are on the eve of Independence day
Yet, what do we recall every 4th of July?
If children ask the meaning, what is your reply?

If we celebrate freedom; are we really free?
Is every person counted in this equality?
What does freedom mean as we celebrate?
Are there people yet that we need to liberate?

Look around you now and see what you can see
Is there anyone around you still longing to be free?
Freedom is a word and we like to raise it high
But if we deny some then freedom we deny

There has to be a change if freedom is our call
Let's resolve together to respect the rights of all
Breaking down the walls that defy equality
May this 4th of July spark resolve in you and me


Flowers at Dawn

The demons of the night creeped   into my sleep
And robbed me of my rest causing me to weep
This time it was so awful that it left me full of fear
I can't  tell what happened but  will wait till T is near

I'm  trying to find a safe place for my frightened mind
So I can release all the things this  nightmare left behind
Its almost 4 a.m. and the mind has had no rest
It will take me some effort but I am going to try my best.

Closing now my eyes I think of peaceful flowers
How they keep us happy for so many hours
They come in different sizes and sweeten up  the air
They never say a word yet we know they are there

Like the flowers in the field we  will know days of rain
Which will help us to grow and wash away our pain.
And if we are patient like these flowers of the field
We will see how much beauty our lives can really yield

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

You will always be you

The Night-time is falling and I scamper away
To the quiet place within me where I can stay
The night owl is  crying his familiar hoo
Who  my dearest one , tell me who are  you

Does what others say ever  change who you are?
Will  your soul become stained by another's scar?
Will you ever  become what others say of you?
You will always be yourself no matter what  you do?

So as you are pondering this in the stillness of the night
Remember  that deep within you will always have a light
It can't  ever be extinguished by other's from outside
So dont be afraid of those who would hurt you with their pride.

 I am including here motiviational video by a twitter friend which
seems to fit perfectly here....thanks Alan..Alan works with
youth and is a motivational speaker ..Follow him on twitter
for very nice positive quotes:

Early hours

Early hours have waken me with thoughts upon my mind
I scramble to my secret place to see what I can find
At such an early hour my mind is slow to wake
Yet the spirit's promptings show which path to take.

Darkness is all around me night's shadows linger still
Yet gazing outside my window delights my sluggish will
For I see the fireflies fluttering with their sparkling light
What a wonderful phenomenon such creatures are to sight.

The crickets are making music so sweetly at this hour
Their sound is so peaceful and gives my musings power
Its something how, in the night time, when  things escape our sight
The inner eyes can see so clearly and give our spirit light.

Everything cries out to me there'll be a  better  day
And the terrors holding my  memory slowly slip away
I don't really understand how all things will come to be
But I trust in the one   guiding  me and in One I cannot see.

dedicated to my t who is helping me

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Poetry From Thinning Air

When heat is ever high and one's  breath is hard to take
What kind of poetry comes out  what verses will one make
I am completely tired out from trying to breathe in
Yet I know a peaceful place; I'm going deep within

Centering all my thoughts on crisper cooler air
I imagine all my being  enveloped over there
Seeing all the clouds as they come floating by
I hear angelic beings and let out a grateful sigh

Its hard to  understand these moments without  breath
But one can truly imagine  a shadow of one's death
Yet not for morbid reasons but because the air is thin
So I tap  into my  being and revive myself from  within

Thankful, Despite the Storms

I am heading over to the lake with my troubled heart
I'm hoping that inspiration will help me get a start
The night was long and sleepless but morn is finally here
The morning dove is cooing peace will soon draw near

I close my eyes to ponder the beauty of the day
And thank the eternal spirit for illuminating the way
Deep inside my being I consider all that's ours:
The universe, the cosmos, yes even all the stars

'One by one I name them :the things that give me bliss
So much to be thankful for yet do I   take time for this?
So I am resolving here while in my broken state
To always take to ponder and gratefully meditate

It is something we can do no matter the time of day
There is always so much beauty we can find along the way
Everything that surrounds us speaks a lesson to our heart
We have only to be quiet for the messages to start.

Monday, June 27, 2011

while crying inside..

for the world i put on a smile but am weeping inside
memories hurt me deeply and I have so often cried
I want to be so brave and push   my thoughts away
But they keep on coming back  towards the end of day

I don't want the world to weep simply because I cry
So sometimes I pretend to be  happy or at least I try
I want to suffer quietly while i'm learning to heal
but don't know if this is right or seeing things as real

I know someday it'll  pass and  I will become strong
nights will no longer scare me and words wont fall out wrong
Until then I will keep on running to my quiet place
So peace can hold my memories in a better space.

Like the Flowers

I woke up to the sound of the birds sweetly singing away
Their music let me know: it was time to start my day
My cats were scampering around: without worry, without care;
It was time for their breakfast, they made sure I  was aware

I slowly made my way to the deep parts of my mind
To see what special treasures I might be able to find
I thought that I'd consider all the flowers everywhere
How truly beautiful they are; their fragrance fills the air.

There are so many kinds of flowers we are able to see
Yet each one  is as unique as it can ever be.
Some are very big and some are  quite small
Yet each one has a beauty that it can share with all

We are all like those  flowers in the fields that we see
We are all so very different and unique as can be
None of us are the same yet we are all able  to give
The beauty that is ours as for as long as we live

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Look Around And You Will See

In this land  so often we sing
Freedom is the American thing
Yet so many  still aren't free
Look around and you will see

We so often discriminate
And find ways to segregate
Yet we say that we are free
Look around and you will see

We still ignore the minority
And promote inequality
Yet we boast that we are  free
Look around and you will see

If America is to be
Truly the land of the free
There's  a change that must be
Look around and you will see

Self Evident Truths from Self Evident Truths on Vimeo.

A little late today

I am a little late today finding that positive space
But am  trying really hard to get to my secret place
I see it at a distance  and can hear a cardinal sing
So I'm entering into the moment forgetting everything

I am picturing all the flowers and trees along the lake
A mama bird carries insects for her babies to partake
The sky above is blue and there are no clouds around
I'm  listening to the melody  which my soul has found

Peace is slowly coming in and fills this  heart of mine
As gentle rays of sunlight warm me with their shine
Morning songs have  begun but I havent missed a thing
For there are still some birds chirping inviting me to sing.

 Thank you all my winged friends for helping me today
Through your song you have led me out of a painful stay
I must go now from this place for duty calls me to
But hope to sing yet another day some melodies with you

The trauma you left me : monster from 2009

do you want me to tell you, dear monster from 2009
How much having worked for you is still a challenge of mine
Your voice is still echoing deep inside my head
So that every day's bath-time  feels me with great dread

I'm still afraid of going out because of threats you made
Coffee reminds me of "starbucks" and the hours  i stayed
I keep on hearing you cursing me: telling me to"obey"
The trauma keep on going it's always on replay

I hope someday to heal from this and want for you to know
I hope  you come to see how much you hurt me so
It doesn't do me any good to harbor any hate for you
But I hope you come to realize the price for all you do..

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Where am I ?

I am in my learning zone thinking of therapy
And Of the many things that I am learning from my T
It doesn't come quite quickly or right on  therapy day
But I do process  slowly and  in my  own way

I'm finally beginning to see things a little bit more clearly
How taking on too much, can really cost me dearly
Sticking to the  program, adding nothing along  the way
Will help me with the lessons I get on therapy day

So if you dont see me often or in my usual place
 I'm trying to focus more and give healing some space
Everyone is different in what they  need to heal
So I am trying to do what will make my healing real.

Fruits of therapy.

The signs of healing are starting this i surely know
For things I once believed in I'm  now able to let go
Building up good boundaries to keep the peace within
Is something I must keep doing time and time again

I use to think I'm not worthy because of what's been done
But now I'm slowly realizing, I'm not the guilty one
Rather I am that little child who never had a say
Who never understood why beatings came her way

I couldnt stop those  things that they did to me
And whatever was being done; wasn't suppose to be.
Now I  come to heal and allow my soul to weep
Showing to my  "T"  all the secrets that I keep.

What are the birds saying?

There is so much beauty going on around me, so much happy song.
I hear so many birds singing this morn; they are a peaceful throng.
They are inviting me through their voices to rejoice and  be glad
And helping me create memories that I can use whenever I'm sad.

It's not just one lonely bird out there , all the birds begin to sing
I wonder what they're singing about, does their song mean anything?
Is there something they want to tell us through all their happy song
Surely they must be trying to say: you must all learn  to get along


Friday, June 24, 2011

this morning

This morning I woke  before five and immediately headed to that quiet space my T had told me about so that I could begin the morning with good thoughts. It was wonderful to hear creation singing and notice the first notes of the sparrow.

We take so much for granted. We have so much noise around us that we cannot appreciate the beautiful music going on every day. We don't even have to turn on the radio to hear it; rather,  we must turn off the radio to hear. We have to turn off the tv, the computer, the ipad and whatever else that would compete with natures symphony.

When one is healing, little victories mean alot and for me to be able to block out the nonsense that surfaces to my mind in the form of a memory or two is a victory. Daily there are triggers that spark me to remember things hurtful, things that left deep gouges in my soul  and that still need healing. When such things happen, my T suggested to do one of two things: to stop and go to my safe place or do some breathing exercises.
Usually I do the first, since the latter is hard for one who has lung problems. I do try to do small breathing exercises everyday; but very small so as not to complicate things rather than help.

Every day  I try to write what music is in my soul, which comes out in poetry. Sometimes it is happy music, other times not so happy. Life is like that .. sometimes we are on the mountain and at other times in the valley.

Hope you enjoy the songs I sing through my poetry. They can be anyone's song changing a word or two here or there. I will always write every day and if something moves me; maybe, I will write without verse, like now.
Hope you have a nice day; know that I am happy you stopped by. Please never feel sorrow for what I write but rather rejoice that I can express myself. It's not something I was always free to do. Letting things out, though painful to do and read,  is really healing the hurts inside me. Namaste

Things Divine

I'm back for a few more moments to listen to all creation
For Her music moves my spirt to humble adoration
I know that all this beauty, yes everything around
Is  a shadow of the creator whose spirit I have found

I don't pretend to know why I'm lost in things Divine
But know there is a Spirit that upholds this heart of mine
I won't cling to any   religion but will always believe  my heart
That says there is a Being that gave everything a start

Up before five.

This morning I'm looking out my window darkness is still around
Yet stars light up the sky and a sliver of   moon is found
Dawn has not yet happened yet beauty is everywhere
In the tiny creatures  crawling and in the crisp cool air.

In the distance I hear the wind as it touches upon some chimes
What beautiful sounds they give us inspiring angelic rhymes
I remember hearing somewhere that if chimes we chance to hear
An angel is receiving its wings which tells me one is near

Finally a sparrow starts singing just a few minutes before five
How good it is to hear such music, I listen to creation  live
Another bird has joined in; it sounds like a robin so dear
A red bird also is whistling what a symphony we have here

I could go on listening forever to all creation's sound
But there is yet some work to do, my cats are waiting around
So bidding fairwell to the universe I slowly make my way
And begin the duties  before me and start my brand new day.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Tears on my cheek

Tears on my cheek

Tears on my cheek I run seeking my place
Where always is waiting some special grace
I have had my moments of trouble today
And look for some healing to come my way

I'm not the strong person people want me to be
I'm  broken and toubled and seeking to be free
I've had many heartaches and moments of pain
So many years silent now tears come like rain

Oh can you understand it this pain that I feel
Or do you think I'm pretending that nothing is real
I see it in your eyes even though you may not say
You don't understand me and wish I'd go away

Happy Birthday Darlene Ouimet

Happy Birthday Darlene, dear inspirational one
Truly you must be  proud of all the things you've done
Coming forth  a  diamond yet not so quickly found
You brought a voice to others when there was none around

I'm so grateful in my heart for coming to know of you
And to  have witnessed with my eyes all the things you do
Truly you're a motivator and caring person too
I hope  this special day carries many blessings for you .

happy birthday with much love


stuck in a bad space

today i am stuck in a bad space and all my tears are falling
I want to go to my safe place but memories keep calling
I try to break away from them but they are holding  tight
I am weakening ever quickly I have no strength to fight

I see again the slashes and i can  feel again the pain
The sound of the water running makes my tears fall like rain
Why can I not be stronger why must these things trigger  so
One by one the past hurts are putting on their show

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Like a lost lamb

Today i managed to wander off
the path so safe and sound
And found myself on foreign land
and stumbled all around
I ventured into  ways unknown
and found myself in tears
I wish I knew the way to go
I'm held back by my fears.

Like a lamb that is lost I
wander to and fro
I hear the cry of angry wolves
I know I  have to  go
But what direction is the best
which way is best to turn
Oh there are so many things
that I have yet to learn.

The night is falling quickly
And I must get now to  my place
Or the creatures of the darkness
will drag me to their space
Look quickly, oh my soul
oh don't you  see the light?
Follow that  voice within you
and you'll find the  path that's right.

To The Quiet

I am slowly making my way over  to my quiet place
Wondering what beauty is waiting in my secret space
The birds are no longer singing and the sky no longer blue;
This is going to take some work; but,  nothing grace can't do.

I'm pondering inside my being what makes a pretty sight
I picture a peaceul lake sparkling with  mornng   light
A few mallards floating  by as trees wave upon the shore
My soul weeeps with happy tears:  the universe I adore.

The waters are so peaceful and the air is so clean
Only kindness can be found here and never nothing mean.
I can stay for hours here,  soaking  in  the peace
But I know my work is waiting so the vision has to cease

 I take in the last moments and hear a message clear
When life becomes too difficult immerse your being here.
For inside you there is always peace always light and love
Yes inside the Divine always waits  to lift your soul above.


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Desert Inside

My soul is in the desert theres nothing to be found
I'm  surrounded by confusion my thoughts make no sound
I'm  looking for some comfort but it keeps on passing by
Nothing makes any sense to me :  all I want to  do is cry.

the beauty of each day

The beauty of each day.

it is always so very beautiful to waken with the brand new day
  to  hear the many birds chirping as darkness slips away
there is a certain sense of oneness, a sense of unity that I feel
rushing through my veins as their melody begins to still

 i can sense the mystery of each moment as i take in all the view
the awesomeness of creation pierces me through and through
no words can capture it completely so i have to let my words rest
before the masterpiece of the universe where i am  the welcomed guest

I challenge to this  adventure: tomorrow,  when you awake
Open your ears to the music that  creation is going to make
Listen, if you will, to the elements as they echo upon  the wind
And allow the touch  of creation to paint a beautiful picture within


Monday, June 20, 2011

Thank you my friends

Thank you my friends

those people that go before us
as our examples and our guides
help us to keep up our courage 
when doubt hits us from all sides
those people who reach out to us
those people who really care
Are the ones we need to acknowledge
and thank for being there.

so thank you everyone 
who has ever reached out to me
thank you for being my friend
and for always helping me to see
Thank you for your kind words 
for all the things you send 
Thank you for all you are 
thank you for being my friend..

I may not always say it 
but you are always in my heart
I hope that you'll aways be there
a friend that'll never depart
You inpsire me to keep on hoping
and insipire me by who you are
I shall forever be grateful to you
whether you are near or far

Love you 

I am just a simple soul

I am just a simple soul

I am just a simple soul who wants to  love and live
I want to be a friend to all I want to freely give
Yet so often I am learning that in wanting to be free
I encounter those who are hurtful and not so good for me

I'm  wanting to be a loving soul, I don't ever want to hate
Yet many say its better not to love all who cross your gate
I cannot grasp anything more than what lies within my heart
I am happiest when I am loving all and that will  never depart

How can I fit into this world of ours that so quickly clings
To that which is so superflous and on such passing things
My heart is set to a different beat and follows a different tune
If you would  to be a friend of mine it will never be too soon..


Sunday, June 19, 2011

letting the little child out

Let me cry one more time for the child deep inside
Let me hug this little girl who  feels she must hide
Let me weep giant tears let me cry for all the wrong
That this little girl knew  and held for so long

Let me not be afraid let me  finally speak out
Let me jump, let me scream let me let my voice shout
All these big  emotions  she guarded deep within
Are now coming  out so that healing can begin


In My Heart I Heard God Speak

In my heart i heard God speak
he was inviting me to talk with Him
 Said He knew I've suffered much
that my cup was filling to the brim
I wanted to speak but  was  afraid
because of this  poor heart of mine
How do I approach Omnipotence,
speak as mortal to the Divine?

He told  me not to worry or fret
that talking with  Him was not an art
All I had to do to speak with Him
Was go inside and open my heart
So I entered within and started to speak
of questions that still puzzled me
His answer to all I asked HIm was
 in time My child you'll begin to see


Finding beauty in all

Sweet little sparrows are singing
with the purest of voices this morn
Their melody is so soothing
though my mind is  fragile and worn
The clouds outside may be lingering
but  there is beauty stiill to be found
In the flowers that are  appearing,
 and blessing the world without sound.

Last night it was a bit challenging,
memories robbed me of my rest
But a new day is slowly emerging
and inviting me to be blessed
So I am taking in all the  universe
and hearing what   it has to say
"Know that it's through your weeping
that true healing will come your way."

The gentle rain is now  falling
as i ready to start my day
I am considering  all creation
and everything it has to say
 there will be days of sunshine
and days when rain must fall
But every day will have its beauty
and I must  find it  all


Saturday, June 18, 2011

Tomorrow is Really Father's Day

Tomorrow is really Father's Day

Tomorrow is really father's day; last week i was ahead
So I am writing down again, dear dad, everything I said
How i wish I had known you and you hadn't run away
I wish I had someone to hug and wish  happy father's day

But as you can see I do not and write again with tears
For it hasn't become any easier despite the passing years
I still wish you had been around and didn't have to go
Would have been nice to say I had a dad who really loved me so

All the things the kids had said to me while I was growing up
Now Come down in all these tears, that splash my coffee cup
It was terrible the names i endured for not knowing you my dad
but worse then all the words they said was the dad I never had.

Can't hear the birds singing

This morning the fanss are running so I cannot hear the song
that the birds and all universe would want to pass along
So I go inside myself and find my special place
And picture all creation singing with beauty and with grace.


Another way I  say therapist is simply to say "T"
So when you read my verse I say "T" is helping me
I am referring to the one  who is skilled with gifted sight;
Who helps clear away my clouds  and brings me into light

Some  have had a bad time while working with a T
And because of that have turned away from seeking therapy
But I would say "try again" because going it alone
Would leave you in a deep dark fog to sort through on your own

I'm  so glad I have  someone who's taking time wth me:
Helping me through  brokenness, helping me to see.
I sure hope you'll find  someone  that you can call your T
For there is a great healing that takes place within therapy

Friday, June 17, 2011

Help me see..

after this  night of memories deep
beside the lake a vigil I keep
pondering over all the why's
so i can find suitable replies

is there anyone able to see
whats happening inside of me
how do i  explain what i dont understand
please  help me read the cards in my hand?

Demons of the night

Demons of the past came to my sleep
causing  an anguish that made me weep
I cannot let them hurt my mind
Help me   angels I'm in a bind.

One by one the thoughts they came
Taunting laughing calling my name
Speaking words she once had said
Visions of the past still  in my heard.

I felt inside me  lashes fall
Terrible things   I did recall
Why oh memories taunt me so
I want to heal please let me go

I am crying now with sorrow  deep
Memories robbing me of my sleep
How do i stop them please  tell me T
They keep on haunting, haunting me

Thursday, June 16, 2011


The little girl is afraid again
afraid of what's happening inside
She wants to find a secret place
where she can run and hide.
Patience is what she really needs
but her heart keeps racing fast.
"do tell me" she keeps saying:
"How long will this stage last?

All the pains of yesterady
keep playing out before her mind
She really needs to calm herself
some respite she needs to find.
But she wont still herself enough
to let that peace within
Silence now dear inner child
your healing is about to begin

This I dedicate to my T.

I dedicate this to my T who is working so hard with me
Helping me through the tough times helping me to see.
I can't say enough thank you's to say what i want to say
So this video I post is my attempt to express this in some way.

Thank you T

Slept with windows wide

mother nature   fooled me and I slept with windows wide
now my throat is aching;  my ears are paining inside.
never let day's warmth  trick you to  thinking same will be the night
for cool air will sneek in slowly and chill you with her  bite.

birds are up already  and singing  pretty as can be
robin leads the music; and red bird keeps  the  melody
no matter how I feel on waking; I'm soon happy as can be
For the universe invites me to  smile through her symphony

good morning..

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

My battle within

Not only am I healing but have this interior battle about ideas and what's right
and what is necessary. I want to stay simple. yet want to finish my school.
I don't like using big language but must read words I can't pronounce. Its
such a concern. .. a worry . that in pursuring a degree it is so much not really me.
I don't know what to think of the inner battles taking place between my mind and heart.
I have no desires for the grandiose but school requires you to deal with
ideas way out there. I fear losing who I am to these words and books and ideas.
I want to stay true to what I am not become something books dictate.

what i don't want

what I don't want

i don't want to dabble in things
that don't matter at all
I don't care to be important
i rather remain "small"
I dont want to change
If I get my degree
I rather stay like i am;
simple as can be..

Some may think its great
to have a phd
Others think its something
to acquire a degree
But i just like the challenge
without any fame
If I should graduate
Can I just stay the same?

Is it ok to think this way
or is something wrong with me
For not wanting big titles
or people praising me?
I want to do whatever i must
to help others more
but witout fanfare or bugles
whenever i enter a door..

A little note

I am on a journey to healing. I have someone who is guiding me through therapy ..
and who is helping me to come to know myself, the past, and who I am in relation
to all this.  I owe so much gratitude to that someone: Thank you, my T.

One thing I am learning is to go a "safe place" in my mind.. to picture inside me
somewhere safe and quiet ..apart from all noise of the past and hurtful memories;
away from the worries, and stress and negative feelings. There I stay until
I come to restore my peace.

This does bring me to much peace so many times.. and usually there. in my
safe place, my quietness of mind I find inspiration to write pretty things. Perhaps,
what I write you may not agree with and that's ok..but I share because the
words from my "safe place"  are h part of my therapy too.. Everything here is part of
my journey.. Hope you enjoy..

Unity comes from within

Unity comes from within.:

There is something so unspeakable so revealing  deep  within
Something so enlighening , it unites us to    the Great Begin
The more  we come to know   ourselves the stronger we will be
Bonded  to one another in   universal fraternity

There is a certain oneness  we all share with one another
Making of every creature  our sister and our brother
Yet unless we enter into the silence of   truth's reality
we will never  hear the universe singing the song of unity..

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Memories come calling again

Memories call back the tears once again
For painful are the  hurts that lie deep within
Sharing them out  still rips  me apart
Need to take time out to heal my poor heart.

One by one I'm seeing them my wounds deep within
Called forth by the memories who beckon  again
How can I see them and not want to cry
Memories keep on coming; keep stopping by.

Early this morning

Up early this morning to greet the newborn day
Ready to listen to all creation has to say
Woodpecker is singing   and the cardinal too
"We are so much happier because  you're not blue"

All creation is singing the trees gently sway
The universe presents me with a brand new day
New hopes and new dreams and some difficulties too
Such is what's  waiting to be witnessed by you.

Somehow I thought there would  be a different sound
Didn't think difficulties were part of what's to be found
But old owl in the tree blinks twice and saids hoo
"who is without difficulties, certainly not you.."

Butterflies flying and busy bees  too
Tell me there's  work and some relaxing to do
Not all will be intense and not all :carefree
Each day will be a mystery to be opened by me.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Hello ?

Ring ring its the telephone
surely its ok to say hello..
But I was wrong ; it wasn't  ok
 and now am feeling verylow
all undone turned  inside out
oh, the things she said  again
Cutting deep with hateful words
said   i'm ugly and full of sin

I Tried  to stop her in her words
she wouldnt even listen to me
Said its sad when someone outs
the secrets of our family .
and that I should convert
and resolve  to confess
Turn aside from my sin
and all my ugliness

Again to the lake:

I am again sitting quietly next to the lake
My spirit is crushed and my heart has an ache
 I know it will pass once I am through
Letting the pain hurt is all I can do.

You'd think it would be  easier and no longer hurt
but it never is  fun being treated like dirt
Being called names by people who really should care
hurts me so deeply makes my heart tear.

My boundaries need fixing i know this is true
So back to building them is what I must do
I hate having to block every number coming in
But seems its the only way  healing can begin

Meditation by "the lake"

I begin my day by picturing a gentle peaceful lake
For my work and studies exhaust me;  all my energy they take.
While next to the lake and pondering a cardinal begins to sing
"All this stuff you're stressing over doesn't mean a thing"

I see some ducks come floating by and they begin to quack
"What's important is to do your best forget about what  you lack"
The sun is rising over the waters and gently warms this heart of mine:
"True beauty is not inside those pages but in how you choose to shine"

All creation cries out to me in my moments before the lake
"Better to lose a letter grade, than your peace:  for goodness sake."
I know I have to study but realize what nature would have me see:
"school will come to an end someday but I will continue to be"

( My therapist introduced me to the safe places to go to when
my mind is burdened or stressed and so dedicate this poem especially
to her .. thank you my T )

Good Morning.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

I can't keep it in.

I am so tired I want to cry
It wont stick, I wonder why
I've tried and tried it wont stay
whatever I study runs away

I looked and looked untill i'm blind
and still I find  I am behind
Twentry four hours to get this done
And I'm still stuck on number one.

Is it because of  ptsd
that this studying is so hard on me
Am I lazy how could this be
I have been studying endlessly.

My mind is tired I want to sleep
But know this work is incomplete
Something's wrong my mind is still
It wont take more in; it simply wont fill.


father's day one week ahead!

So I shed all my tears one week in advance
Will I do  this again next week never a chance
Someone told me we're celebrating Father's day today
So I gave my tears freedom and they all ran away

Now I'm finding out that its not  till next week
So I'm  laughing and crying with tears on my cheek
What a mixture of joy and sorrow combined
How trusting I am, am really quite a find.

I never have known anyone as foolish as me
Celebrating father's day too early is silly as can be
I am all cried out with no more tears to spare
So next week when  father's day comes I'm not  going there!!

ha ha. enjoy the laugh!


Today mother nature is weeping
her tears are mingling with mine
The clouds join hands together
while the sun is hiding her shine
The whole universe is reaching out
 speaking in her own way
Today we are sitting beside you
we are here for you today.

I am moved by creation's setting,
by the skies that are colored gray
I know  the Eternal One is watching
and has arranged so great a display
I am grateful for every creature
And moved by nature's ways
Gratitude has overcome me
despite thoughts of olden days

So I dig down deep inside me
and release the hurts  within
Letting go all those memories
so my new day may begin
I cannot stop from crying
the emotions lead the way
But I willl say to you daddy
Happy Father's day..

Saturday, June 11, 2011

night time is falling

night time is falling
and my eyes want to sleep
my tears they have ended
i no longer weep
memories now silenced
by thoughts of "the lake"
gives me some respite
i'll gladly take

how good to have plans
on which I can fall
whenever those demons
of past should call
surely  they'll fight
and start off quite strong
but i go to a place
where they can't come along

i learned of these ways
working with my "T"
who taught me to picure
a place safe and free
there  I should go
whenever the bad
come with its thoughts
to make me feel sad.

good night..

tears are pouring out

let me cry if i want to
let  my tears run dry
i am broken up inside
I cannot help but cry
let me alone for awhile
let my tears soothe my heart
it is all I can do
memories tearing me apart.

i will be fine a little  later
but for now i must cry
broken up inside
please don't ask me why
i wish i could stop them
but i must let them be
these tears that come out
 want to set me free

Tomorrow is Father's Day

Today i am a little somber
at the approach of father's day
wondering who is my daddy
and whether he's far away.
Some say that my daddy died;
others say he's is still living.
Some say he was very kind;
and others that he was giving

It puzzles me in my heart;
why didnt my daddy stay?
Was it because of my birth
that he chose to run away?
I won't ever really know;
but tomorrow is the day
When people honor fathers
in a very special way

Who then should I honor
when tomorrow comes to be
Who to do i say thank you to
for being a father to me?
I wonder how it will be
to celebrate father's day
knowing mine never stayed
but chose to run away.

Friday, June 10, 2011

I am beginning to see

i am beginning to see
 that i need to step away
from all  stories of trauma
even if just for a day
To allow myself silence
from all therapy
And just be a child
so simple and free

There are plenty of days
for healing to be done
But there should be a day
for having some fun
Putting aside  worries
that are inside of me
letting my child dance
run and be free

Then when the days come
to  talk of the past
I'll have built  energy
from my little repast
Because I am not strong
but fragile inside
My T says diversion is good
to have on the side

she's right

Darlene Ouimet: Emerging From Broken

Darlene Ouimet is
quite a treasure to find
A survivor, a healer
she helps calm your mind
Sharing her stories
of busting through fog
She encourages others
by writing her blog

Never given a voice
in her childhood years
She now brings forth healing
and encourages tears
She reaches out to others
with empathy and care
Says "keep hanging on,
I've also been there"

Darlene always responds
to her writers so dear
Encouraging and helping
and eliminating fear
Emerging from Broken
is her personal blog site
Follow the link below
and you'll find healing light

I have a right to heal

I am saddened today because
someone said I'm too old for therapy
that seeking help is just a sign
of my lack of maturity
they said therapy doesn't work
and I am wasting precious time
so i got my pen to writing
and am putting my thoughts to rhyme

I told them I have so much inside
that i really need to say
For so long i have held it all in
and it's just eating me away.
They laughed at me and said to me
and why is it only now
Did someone tell you that its time
and you're finally learning how?

They told me i was childish and
should stop going on this way
That if I went so long already
why am I seeking help today
They said I am self seeking and
looking for a name
that talking about the past
would only bring my family shame.

I was shaken by their words
but resolved I wouldnt fight
I don't believe in arguing
and felt that they weren't right
So I let them have their space
took all they had to say
Then told them not to call no more
I am choosing my own way.

Healing is so important to all
and the path we chooose is ours
We have the right to be relieved
from all our hidden scars.
Sometimes we let others stop us
from that healing deep inside
But we must choose whats right for us
and not let other people decide.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

All Creation Has A Voice

 All creation has a voice

i see  all the clouds they are floating in the sky
they seem to wave hello and then say goodbye
I see the majestic sun so radiant and so proud
He is warming with his smile earth's ever growing crowd.

I hear the wind come whispering touching me on my cheek
Saying follow me, my friend,  if true beauty you will seek
Imagine following the wind  who  never has an end
Some day i will set out to follow this invisible friend

Then the birds come chirping fluttering here and there
saying how much fun it is flying in the air..
Let yourself go and see if you can soar
The birds sing to me  and fly off for some more.

All creation is singing yes even the bumble bee
has some deeper wisdom if we're  willing to see
listen with your heart to what  you see with your eyes
for in every creature you  see infinite wisdom lies.

joy pachowicz

My Therapist has told me its good to do happy things to get away from all the trauma stuff some times so I will include here with my healing poems all poems that I write.. whether they are painfullly filled with memories or are delightfully filled with getting away from therapy work. This one is a happy poem. . hope you especially for Dr Young who is helping me  to divert from the "heavy therapy work "

Monday, June 6, 2011

The Monster From 2009

You were such a monster scaring me every day
Drawing me to your state to take my rights away
You controlled my every moment demanded that I obey
And said that if I didnt . I'd have a price to pay ..

Yet this wasn't how I knew you; you sounded oh so kind
Presented me with lies and false promises filled my mind
Nothing was as promised and you scared me oh so deep
Now its hard to trust . .and thinking of you I weep.

You gathered all my secrets pretending that you cared
demanded my obedience "or my secrets would be shared"
You wouldnt let me sleep and I never had a say
You told me my new job was to shut up and obey

Cursing me by phone and ordering me to the tub
Pictures were demanded of the water and the bub
how could you have done this to one you called your friend
Now I live in fear wondering whent this will end..

Cutting Ties

why o my dearest mother wont you ever let me heal
if you never did any wrong then why is it such a big deal
you said want me to stop healing and come back home to you
yet i am still your worst mistake so how can your words be true.

you deny ever hurting me and tell me I have been so wrong
you want me to say I am sorry for straying for so long
yet all i did was love you even when i had no breath
i wish i knew what made try that time to smother me to death.

i dont know how to answer you so i won’t even try
this poem is my unsent attempt to say to you “goodbye”
i feel you have been unfair to me and you do not really care
And though my heart is hurting inside I am cutting ties from there.

Everyone Has Rights

Everyone has rights

i took the blame for more then one
and was singled out for what i had done
spoke up for right was put down as wrong
and so pen the words in poetic song

if you are courageous and you are
speaking out will carry a scar
not letting the crowd bully their way
will have a price for which you will pay

if you speak out, I'm sure you may
others will surely have their say
call you names and put your aside
tell you your wrong and full of pride.

Yet if we are silent before the wrong
Freedoms would die out before too long
Only the bullies will rule the day
The meek, the hurting will have no say.

We are the ones who can heal or hurt
Help others rise or feel like dirt
We can choose the path that we will walk
Choose to be silent or choose to talk

If others are wronged before our sight
Will we be silent or be a light?
Will we be willing to take some shame
And defend the dignity of anothers name?

Just thought I'd write for it seems to be
There should be a voice for equality
That somehow people will rise and say
"Every person has rights, don't take them away"

Trip To The Store

my heart is breaking
my tears they are falling
all the unmaking
is now recalling
a trip to the store
friends reappear
tears hit the floor
and then disappear
not able to explain
my needing to heal
heart wrenching pain
by words that they deal
its a pity they say
while turning around
we continue to pray
you'll soon be found
then they were gone
my heart broke in two
must be moving on
got healing to do..

Where The Tornadoes Touched Down

Where the Tornadoes Touched Down.

to the dear broken people where tornadoes have touched down
my heart goes out to each of these words so humbly sound
It is so very hard to understand the depths of all your pain
But I promise I will be with you in spirit and with each of you remain.

For I can see you searching all around and raising questions to it all
I can hear you as look for loved ones; I can hear you as you call.
The brokenness you carry and the uncertainty of the day
Has moved my heart within me and with you I want to stay

Though I am so very far away from you , you are still so very near
I can't help but want to reach out to are to me so dear.
I will take some time every day to plead your cause with love
I'm hoping for a miracle for some intervention from Above..


teardrops are on my face
how quickly do they dry
yet none have left their place
without a reason why
I cant stop my sorrow
confusion is so great
Rest until tomorrow
for now is very late
angels all around me
sing me to my sleep
don't give in to much worry
you soul is ours to keep
things may be unclear now
but later they wont be
peace will come somehow
the angels are with me

Flashback to the Bathroom

Get to the bathroom
wait for me there
I trembled i cried
wished i werent there
she whipped she beat
i fell to the ground
get up you brat
stop messing around
Lashes again
the belt it tore
my little body
limp and sore
strugglng to stand
i cried in pain
blood all over
quickly did stain
she was done
i was hurt
feeling unloved
feeling like dirt
still she calls
vebally beats
anyone else
receive such treats?

Morning Comes

Morning Comes

Birds are singing early
chirping oh so sweet
Singing out their melody
before they go to eat.
Daylight is not here yet
Creation starts to play
dawn is just getting set
sun readies her display

wind is whispering gently
flowers start to show
morning light comes slowly
softly begins to glow
i get started moving
I've heard the morning song
So much beauty in everything
to all of this I belong.

Nature Sings

Nature Speaks

trees sing to me softly of how they once were
little seedlings just wobbling unstable and unsure
and then as time past they grew stronger each day
withstanding the storms that passed by their way

robins sing sweetly of their first nest
how learning to fly meant leaving the rest
It wasn't easy at first saying their good bye
to enter the unknown of the great blue sky

roaring heroically and motioning to me
is the mighty and restless majestic blue sea
telling its wanderings time and again
no one really ever knows all its treasures within.

Unseen but not unheard the wind calls my name
telling me its power comes not from great fame.
but rather it goes forth doing what it must do
and that greatness can be found it little thing too.

finally the sun and the moon in their shine
speak softly and gently to this poor heart of mine
telling me stories can be found here and there
i have only to listen to what nature has to share

In My Heart I Am Just A Child

In My Heart I Am Just A Child

In my heart I am just a child
longing to be free
Wanting to be friends with all
wanting to be me
In my heart I wont grow up
I'll always be a child
Fascinated with simple things
running free and wild

In my heart I'm just a child
seeking nothing more
Then to enjoy the secret things
creation has in store
I don't care about lofty things
or what other people say
My happiness comes from loving all
there is no other way.

I Was Just A Little Girl

I was just a litle girl
but broken up inside
All the hurts i had covered
And carefully tried to hide
The teachers they all saw me
With bruises black and blue
I wanted to cry out but
didnt know what to do
they asked me all the questions:
why and what and who
I shook and I trembled,
was frightened: through and through
I knew I had to answer and
i knew I had to tell
Because i did mom beat me
I was hurting, stuck in hell
My mom was very angered
and cursed upon that day
when the people come to take us,
take us all away
Then they brought us back,
to our awful home again
beatings, slaps, and
abuses once more did begin
I'm much older now..
but still so small inside
ready to start uncovering
all the wounds I had to hide
painfully opening up
to the gifted caring one
who can calm that little child
who was once too afraid to run.

Broken Yet Reaching Out

while still nursing her own scars
she reaches out and tries to share
with those around her who are hurting
and needing tender loving care
tears still streaking down her face
she is still able to stretch out her hand
and comfort the weeping spirits
withs words like "I understand"

Tiny Child Tears

I am now cryng tears
of my tiny child
hurting insde from
that night so defiled
when mom and my bro
hurting me deep
created some secrets
for me to keep
day after day
the lashes they fell
for that one time
that i chose to tell
you're a mistake
became my new name
its hard to forget
18 years of the same

The Little Girl Within

tears are falling once again
broken bruised i am within
the little girl wants her way
has so much she wants to say
if i let her speak outside
i'll have to run and have to hide
things i've hidden she knows well
never know what she might tell
but thats the way it has to be
for she is waiting to be free
says too long she had to wait
the time is now its getting late.
i'm afraid and i'm not strong
afraid of things that might go wrong
but i know i have to let it start
i am closing my eyes and opening my heart.


Its painful but progressing
this healing deep inside
It calls for me to let go
let go of all my pride
healing will surely happen
but never overnight
Surrender oh my soul
draw closer to the light.

Its Easy to Trust When

It is so easy to trust
when things go well
But not so easy
in periods of hell
When all is wrong
and people say
To give up hope
is the better way

It is easy to trust
when skies are blue
And everyone says
nice things of you
But not so easy
when things go wrong
And friends are quick
to steal your song.

Its easy to trust
when people praise
All you do and all
your ways
But not so easy
when all they say
Is the wrong you do
every single day

Its easy to trust
without any pain
When the soul has never
known of rain
But let the storm clouds
shake within
Then Trusting will be harder
than its ever been.

Keep on trying
your trust will grow
Don't give up hope
though courage may go
Trust will come
with the passing of time
Find comfort you're thought of
in this rhyme:

Letting Go

wishing today would go by faster
but the minutes slowly creep
each time I look at the clock
my heart, it skips a beat
Surrounded by the stillness
I wish I could somehow say
mom i really love you
am thinking of you today

but really deep down I know
this will never be
she'll never return my love
she has no love for me.
just have to let it go
and perhaps today's the day
the clock is moving slowly
time is slipping away

i am resolving therefore today
my heart is full of pain
tears are quickly falling
my pillowcase they stain
with all the love within me
i am letting her go
so that the seeds of healing
can have some room to grow.

Apologizing to Me

I need to apologize to me for trying to go too fast

Not realizing it takes time to heal my broken past

i need to say sorry to me for not building up walls

That will keep out abusers and unwanted calls.

I apoligize, o me it is my turn to heal

It is ok to be afraid its normal to feel .

So sorry my self for standing in the way..

its going to become easier just not today


i cried all day
am broken inside
i want to run
i want to hide
I am so frail
I want to heal
Family hates me
its unreal

i'm so human
I need to cry
things are hurting
i cant deny
tears they come
by night by day
my pillows full
of all they say.

Cutting Words

do you understand how words
can hurt and tear
do you know you are breaking me
do you even care
i am a human being
i have feelins i have pain
why cant you let me heal
why must i ask in vain

i am broken into pieces
my heart is cut in two
am not asking much
let me do what i must do
i understand you hate me
i understand this all
please stop hurting me
every time you call

Letting Healing IN

i am looking at all the pieces
scattered all around
and wondering how to start
am crying without sound.
it seems so very much
didnt think that it would be
so hard to start the healing
and learning to be free

but it is so very hard
so hard that i want to run
and pretend once again
that there's nothing to be done
but then i come back again
and face my reality
I'm broken and I'm bruised
not liking what i see.

So i have to let it happen
let the healing come inside
To release all those tears
for the times i've never cried
it is so very messy
my emotions fall apart
One by one I'm letting go
the secrets from my heart.

Sorry Not Open

dont you just like when
help is only for some
when you need a hug
and you end up with none
when you need a friend
and theyr'e told stay away
you go for help
but told not today
dont you just like
when you need a hand
And instead they hide
their head in the sand
dont you just like
how fair life can be
they invite you to come
but never in fully
do you just like it?

Dear Mom

the tears they will not stop
they flow and flow and flow
am crying deep inside
i have nowhere left to go
i wish i wasnt so wounded
i wish i wasnt such a mistake
i wish i can undo the thngs
that make you hate and hate

I am sorry you dont love me
am sorry you feel so mad
i wish i had been more perfect
and that my birth had made you glad
I am sorry for what i dont know
for those things you beat me for
am sorry i caused you sorrow
and that you dont want me anymore

i am sorry i am not strong
I am sorry i need to heal
sorry that the sight of me
makes you wish i werent real
i wish i could undo myself
remake myself just for you
I do anythng to knw why
you do to me what you do

The Pain of Losing My Close Friend

the only one i thought really cared for me
did like the rest and unfriended me
what did i do or what did i say
how many more times will i be broken this way

You said you understood.. so why did you go
why did you draw me close to break my heart so
I am broken again and this time by you
said you'd be my family then look what you do

Why Did I Stay?

why did i stay there and take it all
why did i not run why did i not call
what is wrong with me that I didnt tell
my siblings all did and are now doing well

please tell me the answer if you should know
why i was afraid to run or to go
why did i not see like the other had seen
what made me so obedient to a mother so mean?

is there chance that i may once again fall
Victim to an abuser and be unable to call
it frightens me to think that i am so slow
to let others know my pains, my wounds to show.


I am a little shaky and fearful along this way
Yet i trust therapy will help me say what I need to say
I am a little frightened; these emotions scare my heart
Yet I am trusting that going forward is really the better part.

I know I may keep on crying and crying for a bit
but trust i will come out better if I can just stick to it.
I dont know how I will heal but am hoping that that I will
so that all these restless emotions can finally be still..

So Painfully Alone

This is a very hard day a very hard hard day
i cant keep the tears from falling cant keep them away
everywhere I go reminders come to me
That am no longer part of any family
when others celebrate i am just here
wondering and doubting mind not so clear
did i make the right choice should i stop now
back out of therapy makes things right some how?

How Painful To Open Up

I feel its so painful to go this way
to open up everything to the light of day
I find it too much to lose them all
to not be able to have a pleasant call
I find it all painful it wounds me deep
will there come a day when I will not weep?
I feel am so guilty for speaking right now
Hope it will become clearer less painful somehow

This Big Pile of Stuff

i am sitting here looking at my big ole pile of stuff
tackling such a mess is really going to be quite rough
there is little bit of everything, things from way back when
woud be so much easier to put it back in the corner again...

It Was A Terrible Feeling Deep Inside

It was a terrible feeling deep inside:

it was a terrible feeling deep inside
wanting to cry but having to hide
not having anyone to stop the pain:
lashes and blows fallng like rain

It was a terrible feeling deep inside
knowing the wrong i had to hide
wanting to speak but having no voice
bearing a secret my only choice

it is a terrible feeling deep inside
knowing this stuff has to come ouside
all the pain, the grief the shame
everything since i gotten my name

its a terrible feeling deep inside
but now the door is open wide
all my wounds my cries my tears
are finally exposed despite my fears